The things I wish I'd told you

   Aunt Lisa, 
                       It was your birthday a few days ago and I was thinking about you all day long. That morning when I woke up, I was almost about to pick up my phone and call you to tell you happy birthday, but then I realized you wouldn't be there to answer my call.. 

  I wish you could be here again so I could talk to you and tell you everything that's been happening ever since you left. If I could bring you back knowing that you wouldn't have to hurt at all, I would find a way. 
  It brings tears to my eyes to know that I long for you each day and yet I've somehow gotten through all these years without seeing you. 

 I remember the day you left this world almost too clearly and it still pains me to remember. 
 I came home from school and I really wanted to hang out with friends, but I ended up not doing so. Once I was done with homework, I was eating dinner up in my bedroom and on my way up there, I heard my mom talking to Grammy in her bedroom and I had this feeling that something was wrong but I didn't know what. When I was done, I was coming down the stairs, but I was hesitating because I could hear my mom crying and I didn't know why or what happened. Then, I saw her stand at the bottom of the stairs, wiping her eyes and I finally got down the stairs by the time she told me you were gone. I didn't have strength to stand up and my dad hurried and took my plate just before I collapsed to the floor and cried. I was in shock and I was so sad. 
 Want to know the thing that made me sad about this whole thing other than the fact that you were now gone? It was because that next day, Saturday, I was going to send you a letter telling you how much you meant to me, but I was too late on sending it. I even still have it. 
 Do you remember when I was three and you gave me a bath? You got a wash cloth and you pulled it through the water by one corner so it looked like a fish. You told me it was a shark and it would come and eat me and I screamed so loud and started crying and so you had to calm me down and say that it morphed into a nice fish. 
  Or do you remember the time where you taught me how to dance to the Macarena? Do you remember how we were dancing in front of everyone and we got to laughing so hard that we couldn't even finish dancing and collapsed on the floor laughing for a good 3 minutes? 
  How about when we went to see the old mines? We skipped up the trail and sang "Skippidy Do Da" instead of, "Zippady Do Da". Then on the way home we blasted the Macarena in your hummer and sang through it the whole way through? 
 I'll always remember those days, because they are all I have left. Our memories together are what keep you close to my heart. 
 I also wanted to let you know I'm sorry for a lot of things I did. I'm sorry that when you asked Grammy to come and tell me that you wanted me to come sit and talk to you, I said no. I would give anything to go back and do that with you. The reason why I said no was because I made a goal that I wouldn't cry while I was down there to see you because I didn't want you to think I was scared, that I was worried that was the last time I'd ever see you. 

  I'm sorry I didn't call or write more often. I would give anything now to hear your talking back to me. 
I hold on to the time where you told me at the zoo when I fell and scraped my knee and I was trying not to cry, you bent down and looked me in the eyes and told me "it's okay to cry.". I try and not let anyone see me hurt as much as I can but sometimes I can't find a route around it and I just need someone. 
  I don't know if you know, but I say good night to you ever single night because I feel like sometimes you can hear me and that you are standing right by me. It's crazy, but I really sometimes can. 
  I remember how you always used to tell me that you couldn't wait until the day I turned 13 so you could call me and tell me I was a brat. Do you remember telling me all the time that the minute I turn 13 I'd turn into a brat since I would be a teenager? I do, I remember. 
  I was looking forward to that phone call, you almost made it, but you never got the chance to call me and tell me I was a brat. I still hope sometimes that you'll surprisingly call me and tell me that I'm a brat on these other teenage birthdays I'm going to have, but I know you can't. 
 Do you remember the last thing you ever said to me? I do. 
You said, " Well, I hope we can see each other this summer because it will be all sunny and warm. I love you and I miss you and I'll see you soon. Good bye." 
And do you remember the last time I saw you? I do. We were at your house looking at old photos of you when you were younger and making fun of how cheesy you looked. But too soon it was time for us to go and we all tried to give you a hug but you were so bruised that it hurt to bad to hug anyone. I was the last to leave and I turned around to shut the door and you blew me a kiss and I caught it and placed in on my cheek and I did the same to you and you caught it and placed it on your cheek. Then you mouthed you loved me and I did too, and I shut the door and left you with tears streaming down my face. 
 I love you, Aunt Lisa. 

                                                    

I need you to tell me what to do..

Dear Stranger,

What happened? Where did it all go? Was it all a dream? Or was I just imagining it all? Was I wishing for it to happen? Did I make it all up? Can you tell me? Because I obviously have no clue as what to do.

Although, you'll never see this I want you to know that you're not the one I used to know. I knew a gentle and caring guy, who worried too much about how I was doing.
He laughed when I laughed and he smiled just so he could see me smile back. I knew a guy that would look at me like I was the only girl in the world for him. And I wonder myself as to where he has gone. Sometimes, I wonder if he even existed at all.
Remember at the beginning of the school year, when we barely knew each other? How we never imagined we'd end up being where we ended? But, do you remember that we loved that? We loved that it surprised us both and we ended up falling for each other.
You claim you want to forget about everything, that it'll be easier that way. I believe you, in some ways at least.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you've changed so much..
You went from a guy that used to look at me like I was the only girl in your life, to a guy that won't even look at me at all....
You were a guy that would talk endlessly about anything and everything and now I can't get you to say anything at all.
You used to be someone I could read easily and now I don't even know what's going on in your mind.
You are a stranger to me now, but yet I can't stop loving you. That's what hurts the most.
So, Stranger, can you please forgive me if it takes more than time to forget about you? If I can't always pretend that you aren't constantly on my mind? Please, don't get angry with me if I sometimes crumble and try and reach out to you. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard...
But most of all, don't question as to why I still love you, why I still catch my breath when I see you even though it hurts. It's all just apart of the process and I'm achingly getting through.
Good bye, Stranger that I once knew. Remember the promise we once made that we would always love each other? I'll keep to that promise, I'll always silently love you.

I am scared....

I feel as if I'm starting to get better at sharing my feelings than what I used to be...
You see, I am the type of person that doesn't accept people's help when I am sad or have a problem.
If you know me well enough, you'll know that these are far one of my most famous words: "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine." Or, "I don't want you wasting your time worrying about me."
But you see, I say that, hoping people will give in and not worry about me, but no one does.
Sometimes I don't understand why, and often people I care about get upset with me for saying such things like that.
I don't mean to hurt them. That's not even the last thing I'd ever want to do.
They take my words as pushing them away...but I'm really not meaning to.
Don't ask me why I'm trying to talk about something that I can barely put into words...I'm trying.
I've always gotten the impression that my feelings don't matter and that I only care about myself.
So, with taking that in, I learned to not talk about my feelings, not let people worry about me, so I can worry about them.
I want to show people that their feelings matter to me and that I care about them far more than they could ever imagine.
And I hang my head in shame too often than not, and honestly, I sometimes don't even realize I'm doing it.
See, I'd never be able to even say this much if it hadn't been for two people in my life. I think you two know who you are, if you read this.
One is the most amazing guy I've ever met and he changed my life enormously. The second person happens to be my very best friend who knows everything and anything about me. She might know me better than I know myself, actually.
What the boy did was a miracle, I honestly don't know how he did it.
I was so sad and he came into my life and instead, made me the happiest girl alive.
Now, for my best friend. I hope you know when I say "best friend", it may be an understatement...she's way more than a best friend to me.
She's taken me so far, and I could never repay her for the things she has done for me.
We've been friends for years but I never imagined she'd mean this much to me. She's made me realize what the word "best friend" means.
We've gone through being able to not get me to share any of my feelings with her, to somewhat getting my feelings out, and now she knows everything about me.
And I sometimes wonder why she's done so much for me, why she has taken me in so often.
I wonder this about the one I love too...I wonder why he has stayed with me all this time, knowing that he'd have to take time to bring up my spirits.
But yet, they both have cracked the hard, thick case around me and let the world start to see the real me.
Now, that's what scares me most.
I've walked around for so long, showing people a fake me, scared that if anyone saw who I really was, they'd run and hide.
I feel that if people were to see what I really feel and how I honestly see myself, there might be mayhem.
I hate this feeling that people see me differently than I see myself and I often get upset when they try and tell me how they see me.
I automatically categorize it as a lie and I deny it all.
Though, I can almost guarantee my best friend and the one I love know this is all too true to argue with. They continued to handle me and carefully peal away the scars and hurt that had been left from others; until they came to see the real me start to shine through.
And I honestly feel myself as nothing but exposed to the world. As if I'm some new creature that has never been discovered to the world and everyone just stares at it trying to figure out what it is.
I'm afraid of people noticing a change in me and noticing the real me.
I'm afraid how they'll react.
...
Confessions of a lilly