I am scared....

I feel as if I'm starting to get better at sharing my feelings than what I used to be...
You see, I am the type of person that doesn't accept people's help when I am sad or have a problem.
If you know me well enough, you'll know that these are far one of my most famous words: "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine." Or, "I don't want you wasting your time worrying about me."
But you see, I say that, hoping people will give in and not worry about me, but no one does.
Sometimes I don't understand why, and often people I care about get upset with me for saying such things like that.
I don't mean to hurt them. That's not even the last thing I'd ever want to do.
They take my words as pushing them away...but I'm really not meaning to.
Don't ask me why I'm trying to talk about something that I can barely put into words...I'm trying.
I've always gotten the impression that my feelings don't matter and that I only care about myself.
So, with taking that in, I learned to not talk about my feelings, not let people worry about me, so I can worry about them.
I want to show people that their feelings matter to me and that I care about them far more than they could ever imagine.
And I hang my head in shame too often than not, and honestly, I sometimes don't even realize I'm doing it.
See, I'd never be able to even say this much if it hadn't been for two people in my life. I think you two know who you are, if you read this.
One is the most amazing guy I've ever met and he changed my life enormously. The second person happens to be my very best friend who knows everything and anything about me. She might know me better than I know myself, actually.
What the boy did was a miracle, I honestly don't know how he did it.
I was so sad and he came into my life and instead, made me the happiest girl alive.
Now, for my best friend. I hope you know when I say "best friend", it may be an understatement...she's way more than a best friend to me.
She's taken me so far, and I could never repay her for the things she has done for me.
We've been friends for years but I never imagined she'd mean this much to me. She's made me realize what the word "best friend" means.
We've gone through being able to not get me to share any of my feelings with her, to somewhat getting my feelings out, and now she knows everything about me.
And I sometimes wonder why she's done so much for me, why she has taken me in so often.
I wonder this about the one I love too...I wonder why he has stayed with me all this time, knowing that he'd have to take time to bring up my spirits.
But yet, they both have cracked the hard, thick case around me and let the world start to see the real me.
Now, that's what scares me most.
I've walked around for so long, showing people a fake me, scared that if anyone saw who I really was, they'd run and hide.
I feel that if people were to see what I really feel and how I honestly see myself, there might be mayhem.
I hate this feeling that people see me differently than I see myself and I often get upset when they try and tell me how they see me.
I automatically categorize it as a lie and I deny it all.
Though, I can almost guarantee my best friend and the one I love know this is all too true to argue with. They continued to handle me and carefully peal away the scars and hurt that had been left from others; until they came to see the real me start to shine through.
And I honestly feel myself as nothing but exposed to the world. As if I'm some new creature that has never been discovered to the world and everyone just stares at it trying to figure out what it is.
I'm afraid of people noticing a change in me and noticing the real me.
I'm afraid how they'll react.
...
Confessions of a lilly