Silence

Silence. It's all I hear.
Alone, as I drown in my tears.
Can't you see?
That will show you.
That will make you hurt like me.
It's such a shame to let you walk away...
Words are spread saying we are better apart, that we don't fit together
I should have shut my mouth
Kept it all to myself
Because now my feelings have got me thinking I should be with somebody else..

Not In Her Storm

I see the clouds rolling in and oh how it looks like rain
And it is always I fight for the welcome change
When it rains it pours on this heart of mine
So, I take the storms I feel to her each time.

But I know she has lived under her own pouring rain
Yet under her water her heart still doesn't change
She can walk away from what hangs overhead
And, not in her storm, are words left unsaid.

Not in her storm have I ever felt alone
Her storm ends, so I, may find my way home
It's for me that she pushes away her own rain
So, that I may find comfort in calling her name.

She lives in this world for the sake of another's heart
God, how she eases the miles when worlds apart
And she never wanders when your world falls through
Not ever in her storm would she do this to you.

She has wings that I know not only I can see
Cause only an angel could find strength to carry me
It's the way that the eyes can surely view
How her heart's written so clearly in what an angel can do.

Not in her storm is her work ever done
And even in her storm she hands me the sun
When her world is dark - I always have light
And now how I hold the new color of night.

She takes then she gives to an unhappy face
So that many can find an awesome place
I have been able to love her more every day
And with her hand in mine the clouds roll away.

Not in any storm that I will ever live beneath
Could ever change what I hold here inside of me
Not in any of her storms have I lost my angels touch
To that angel out there, I love her so much.

-Sauni 

My Best Friend

Tonight

I cry myself to sleep with the thought of knowing that my best friend is in a safer place
But will always somehow be incomplete.

Her life was filled with love and laughter but soon enough it turned around to give her no
happily ever after.

And I know behind that smile and laugh is the pain and dread that keeps holding her back.

She has fought a good fight and even though she didn't win, to me she'll always be the champion of
a fight I know I couldn't win.

And in my heart she will always stay and now that she'll stay there always she may never be erased.

But if you look in her eyes and you look deep inside you can see the smile she reveals to you and you know now its okay to believe.

And at the end of each day if you give her a smile , you can hear my best friend say "don't cry because I know everything is going to be alright."

I Miss You

If you could see me right now
You'd probably tell me to stop crying
But if you only knew how much I miss you
You'd probably understand.

And every time I'm sure I'll be alright
I turn around and think of you
And my smile comes undone,
I know wishes won't bring you back
But its all I can do to stay strong.

But even though you're in my heart,
It's never the same as you being right there.

This all seems like a bitter dream,
And you're in a better place,
I know.

But maybe next time you're around here,
You could stop by and say "Hi!".
And maybe this time,
Can you please stay?

True Best Friends

Like a needle in a haystack,
true friends are hard to find.
That's why I'm so thankful that I can call you mine.
Whenever I need a shoulder you're there to catch my tears.
You've kept my many secrets,
Throughout the past four years.
You've been there through my afflictions,
You've witnessed my defeats.
I'll remember all the good times,
And pray the bad ones don't repeat.
With you my heart is honest,
but there's one thing I never told you.
Thank you for everything you've done
There's no one else like you.
No one that could ever be a
true "best" friend like you!

A Friend Like You

You are one of the best friends that I've ever had.
For the past nine years, you've known everything about me,
My secrets, my lies, my faults, my triumphs, my joys and my fears.
You know me inside and out; like the back of your hand.
I've never been as honest with anyone as I have been with you.

When I was weak, you were strong.
When I stumbled, you led the way.
When I was blind, you could see.
When I was silent, you spoke.

When I needed advice, you were there.
When I needed a shoulder to cry on, you were there.
When I needed someone to cheer me up, you were there.
When I needed a friend the most, you were there.

You've always been able to bring a smile to my face and make me laugh.
Through thick and thin, you've always been there for me.
Whenever I'm with you, I have a good time.
It seems like you always understand my feelings and identify with my thoughts.
When I first met you, I thought we'd be friends for life.

But now, something has happened.
I still don't understand it, really.
All I know is that you're slowly slipping away.
And soon, you'll be gone.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
Except hope and pray that
You'll somehow come back.

Please,
Don't leave me here all alone,
In this world full of hatred.
I fear so much, and confront so little.
I need you and your strength,
To be with me always.

Please,
Don't leave me here all alone:
Without a true friend, a real friend, a friend like you.

Secret Plea

In my heart and in my soul,
Please take my hand and let me know.
That though you are leaving , and you may never know.
How am I to tell you how much I love you so.
I cry these tears that no one sees, all our memories come crashing over me.
I feel you slipping away and there is nothing I can do, but hold on to the times I once had with you.
I regret the day where I look back and see the steps I counted when you walked away from me.
Behind this smile, he may never see, that in my heart is the way it still should be.
I sit here and wait for the day I again can call you mine, but until then I will be here watching the days pass by.
I know I have to say good bye. I know I do. But how do I say good bye when all I wanted to say was I love you.

I may be falling for you

The clouds role in and the sun fades away
I close my eyes and pretend to be okay
Then a thought of you comes to mind
It's funny how I think of you all the time
I don't know how to explain it
And I don't know the reasons why
All I can say is I've never felt this way inside
To you we're probably just friends
And the possibility of being more breaks and bends
And to you who may never know the feelings I have for you
But am too afraid to show
The clouds role away and the sun goes down
I can't help smiling every time that you are around
I think this is it , it may be true , I may be falling hard over you.

I wished..

This pain overwhelms me
The sadness deepens in my heart
I should have know you never felt this way
Even from the start.
I wished away the sadness
I wiped away the tears
Everything I once felt all seems to disappear
I put a smile on my face
That everyone is hoping to see
Wondering if they can still see what all this has done to me.
I look away from the truth
I choke on the lies
I turn away and try to ignore all these cries.
I wish none of this had been said I wish I could take it all back.
There is nothing left to say , it is very hard to do when you feel this way.

I am

I give you this one thought to keep-
I am with you still- I do not sleep,
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on the snow,
I am sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain,

When you awake in the morning's
hush, I am the swift uplifting rush,
of birds in song and flight. I am the
bright stars you glory in at night. A
moonrise, the setting sun. The trill
of a rushing stream, the quiet after
a winter storm.

Do not think of me as gone. I am with
you still, each and every day that you
awake.

Don't Let Me Think About You

I've got a picture of you that stays deep inside my heart and every time I close my eyes,
I see you,
I think that's the hardest part.
And all of our memories surround me night and day,
though it's hard for me to say.
I know that not a day goes by,
that I don't think of you and without you in my life,
I don't know what I'm going to do.
As the days pass by,
I know I'll always love you, but you had to be that mistake I had to make.
But as I step back and look at it all for a while,
I remember all the times that you would make me laugh and smile.
But I need to forget you now. Don't you see?
I need to let you go, and you need to let me be.
Although the thought sounds crazy.
And I need to stop going back to the what if's and the maybe's.
All this is in the past now, everything has changed.
Just don't let me think about you.
It would be easier that way.
We can go our separate directions and act like our lives haven't been rearranged.
Just don't let me think about you.
Please, don't let me think about you.

Hazel Eyes

Can it even be possible to feel like this? 

How?

I look into your eyes and I can hear my heart beat crazy for you.

If you'd let me I would look at you all day long. 

I can't go a moment without thinking about you or smiling about something you said. 

You're touch is so gentle and sweet, something I long for.

I pray that you end up in my dreams so that I can have something to smile about when I open my eyes.

I don't know what I did to end up with an angel like you, but I did and I can't believe it.

You're more than I could ever imagine and you seem like a prince from a fairytale.

I have fallen completely in love with you.

And for the first time, I feel like I am loving the way I'm supposed to be.

He makes me feel like I can trust myself.

He makes me feel like I can look in my mirror and tell myself that I am loved and for once, actually believe it

I love him for all the right reasons and I know my feelings will never change.

You

You. I have known you for a long time, but we never really talked.
All that I have missed out on, I am now just realizing.
You have been the only one who can make me smile for weeks.
I never knew how quickly we would click and become such good friends
You are the best thing that has happened to me in a long long time.
You're the first one who has been able to make me nervous when I am with you
I want to be perfect for you, because you are perfect for me.
You make me forget about everything that I'm worried about and I never want to leave your side because I know the sadness will creep up behind me without you there.
You are my shield. You protect me.
Now, as for my heart, I can't say much..
I'm scared to let you in because I don't want to get hurt again
But just being with you heals me
I promised myself that I would never let anyone in and I would never fall for anyone
But I think I am going to have to hold off on that promise for now
Because I met someone,
You 

If I could write a letter to me..

Dear Leah,

                     Have you looked in the mirror lately? Tell me what you see. You stand looking in the mirror pointing out your flaws. But, what about your strengths? I know. You think you have none, or very few on that matter. Maybe you don't give yourself enough credit. Maybe you point out everything that is wrong with you that you forget to search for what is right about you. I know times are hard right now and you feel like you are suffocating in your pain. You feel like you are drowning in the piercing coldness of your tears and thoughts. Have you looked around you? You have angels all around you, who are pulling you out and curing your pain, your emptiness. You have the idea that they will get tired of trying to cure you and just let you drown. You feel like you're talking but nobody is listening. Well, I think you need to remember someone who will always care, who will always listen. Remember you Heavenly Father. Even when you feel as if no one could save you from this pain you are in, He can. He loves you and He would not give you challenges He knew you couldn't handle. He went through all the pain you could ever imagine so in the end, He could help you find peace and comfort from His guidance. Follow his words. He will lead you the right way. Why don't you let anyone in? Why don't you let people see your true self? You don't let anyone in. You don't even let yourself in. I know you feel as though you're safer that way. But, have you thought that maybe you weren't safer that way? You're trapping yourself with all your emotion and grief that you can't handle all alone, but if you'd let some light in every once in a while you might be okay. You have been through tough times in the past and now. But, it's only made you stronger, it's only made you wiser. It's made you, you. Now I know what you're thinking. Who am I to tell you haw you think or how you feel. But, trust me, I know you better than you think. Don't look down anymore. Keep your head up. You might be surprised at what you see when you actually look around. You might be surprised to see how many people have waited to see the smile that you've hidden away for so long.

                                                       Love,

                                                                You

Weeping Willow

Tears fall from my eyes
like droplets of rain from the sky
I watch them hit the ground
sounding like a melodic beat to my sadness
I cradle my head in my hands
to stop the throbbing of my thoughts
which are contained all from you
With every heart beat is a dull and painful reminder
that you're no longer here
And with every breath drawn in
I feel as though I hide farther into myself
Silently preparing to never come out 

Remember me..

Rain drops filled with thoughts of you fall down on me day after day
I am drenched in your memory..

October: Remember how I took you to my school's Harvest dance? You took me hand and kissed my cheek and sang softly in my ear as we danced in each others' arms..Remember taking me outside and taking me under the tree and pulling me close to you and dancing with me under the stars without any music? Remember kissing me for the first time? I fell in love with you again this night. I called you mine this night and I was yours. 


Or how about the night that you took me to your school's Halloween play? We sat in the back corner and you held me in your arms the whole time. We went outside and lay on the grass and looked up at the stars together. You told me I was prettier than the brightest star in the sky. 


Remember when you came over for Halloween and we watched scary movies together and I cuddled into your arms every time I got scared? You scared me half to death too when you played the scary noise on your phone...I got so mad at you, but you pulled me back into your arms and kissed me sweetly and told me you loved me. 


November: Remember calling me randomly at night before I went to bed, just so you could tell me that you loved me and you missed me? Remember calling me on Thanksgiving to tell me that you wished I was spending the day with you and that you were thankful for having me in your life? I know I was thankful for having you. 


December: Remember how I came over to your house for Christmas Eve and we cuddled on your couch? You tickled me until I turned red. 2 months and happier than ever. You gave me a book and a dress. But, all I wanted was you. You took me home and walked me my door and you pulled me close to you and kissed me. You told me this was the best Christmas you'd ever had. 

January: Remember this? It was pouring rain when we walked out of the grocery store and you took my hand and we walked through the rain. We laughed and played. I would run away from you and you'd chase after me and wrap your arms around me and I would scream and giggle. By the time we got to my house, we were soaked but we didn't care. I was so scared you would think I looked hideous with my mascara running down my cheeks and my hair wet and messy. But, you surprised me by looking at me and smiling and saying, "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." 

February: Valentine's Day. I finally had someone to call mine. I had you. You came over to my house and gave me a bouquet of pink roses and bought me a beautiful pink dress. You took me out to lunch with you and your family. When you were taking me home, your family stopped at WalMart and we ran around and played. You chased me around the store and pretended to sword fight. I remember running down one aisle and you showed up on the other end. I screamed and laughed and tried to stop but I just slid 
 across the floor and slid into your arms laughing. I will never forget this day.  
















March: It was the month of my birthday. I thought you wouldn't be able to come to my party, but you surprised me by coming. You were the greatest present I got. We played at the park and you held me in your arms. I love you.


















April: It was our 6 month anniversary this month. Half a year that I had you in my life. Half a year that I've been so in love with you. Remember the video we made? I still have it. It makes me cry watching it because I know that's how we still should be. But, we aren't..In the video you told me you loved me and that if the world was ending you would save me from anything and wouldn't let anyone hurt me..it's sad how you were the one who was supposed to protect me but yet you were the one to hurt me..

May: We were still happy. We were still in love, crazy as ever. You took me on a date to see anther of your school's plays again and we sat in the back again and I sat in your arms. After we sat under the stars again and I rested my head against your chest. I feel so safe in your arms...

I can't forget about being there for you on your birthday. We were singing Happy Birthday to you and after you blew out your candles, your whole family chanted "kiss her, kiss her!" I felt my face turn red but looked at me and smiled and you wrapped your arms around me and kissed me sweetly in front of your entire family and didn't care at all. I fell in love with you again that night. 



June: I almost died from my surgery and once I was home, you rushed over to see me. You didn't care that my eyes were blood shot red, you just held me tight in your arms and rocked me gently to sleep as we watched a movie together. 


Once I felt better, you took me to Lagoon a few weeks later and we had a blast. You lost my 30 dollars so to make up for it, you bought me the cutest stuffed animal tiger and we named him Noodles. I still have him and he's still my favorite because he came from you. 




July: Remember taking me to your Filipino Mass at the park in Salk Lake? Remember laying under the tree and falling asleep as we looked up at the clouds? I do. I remember. 


Remember sneaking off and sitting in the trunk area of your mini van and talking for hours about absolutely nothing but having the greatest time?  










































August: You came over just to hang out. I was so happy to see you. We went to Dairy Queen to get an ice cream cone. I asked you if you wanted to try some of mine and when you went to go take a lick, I shoved it on your face a little. It was so funny. You did the same to me and then gave me kisses all over my face so it would be sticky. We sat there laughing for a long time and we didn't have a care in the world that people were looking at us. I'll never forget that. 


September: Homecoming. You asked me to go your homecoming. I was so excited because I've always wanted to go. My friends Kim and Karina helped me get ready and I remember you ringing our doorbell and coming inside my house. You walked up to my room to come get me and the moment you saw me, you smiled and said, "I'm going to have the most beautiful date tonight." 








We went out to dinner and had the most fun I'd had in a long time. I'll never forget going to this dance with you. 
The lights went dim and I remember you coming up behind me and tapping me on the shoulder and asking me to dance. I turned around and you held me close and we danced slowly in the dark. I felt like a princess and I had finally found my prince. 

On the final dance we danced slowly again and at the end you dipped me and kissed me and some people cheered and some clapped, some we didn't even know. You were sad that we didn't make royalty. But you were still my Homecoming King...










October: One year. One year that I got to show everyone that I was so in love with you.  On Halloween you came over and we watched scary movies again and we made haunted house gingerbread houses. We laughed and smeared icing on each others' faces. I miss that..I miss us..






November: I wasn't able to see you at all in November and I felt terrible. I missed you so much and I thought of you every single day. I still loved you.


December: I still missed you like crazy. It was a lonely Christmas and New Years without you. I still thought of you all the time. I still loved you.




January: You got upset with me, you thought I was purposely trying not to see you. How could you think that? How could you think I didn't want to see you? You asked me to your Jr. Prom on the 21st. I was so excited to go. But, you told me you didn't want to go anymore. You told me you didn't want me, you told me you didn't love me. How could you say that? How could you give me those words when you knew I would break? You have no idea how much you hurt me, but yet I still loved you.


I ran to you though, I ran into your arms and you promised me that you would never do that to me again. You told me you were so stupid for almost letting me go and that you loved me so much. Where is that guy that I fell in love with?


Two weeks later, you did the same thing to me again and I fell apart again. The next day I found out you had someone else...
I tried to fix it the first time. I only fixed it temporarily. But, you only can fix things so much...
And I can't fix it anymore. So, I just get to sit here and watch you walk out of my life and hold someone else...

It hurts because I know that we should still be together. It hurts because that girl you're holding should be me. That should be me...It hurts because you're healed, you are fine and I'm not. 

I still love you...I'll always love you...

Temporary

Four years. Four years she erased of our friendship so she could have him.
She couldn't handle having us both?
So, in the end I get to learn that a boy is more important than our years of friendship.
Stupid Leah, you should have known.
You should have known that she didn't want to hang out with you because she liked you. She wanted to hang out with you because she couldn't find anyone else better at the moment. You were only good when there was no one else. 
She used you. She walks away without a scar, while you paint a smile over the obvious scars she left for you.
As long as she has him, she could care less.
You were temporary. Maybe you still are. I wouldn't be surprised if you are.
She molded and shaped you into someone that you were not. She fooled you.
He'll walk away from her one day. He'll walk away when he sees her the way you do now.
She'll try and weave herself back into your life. She'll try to act like she cares about what has happened since she's been away.
In reality, she won't have a clue.
She won't have anyone to take her back in.
When you push people away, don't expect them to welcome you back as if nothing happened.
It's taken a long time, but you've finally closed yourself in.
Not letting anything out, nor anything in.
It's probably safer that way. 

Empty Spaces

I look around
My world is crashing in
My skies are falling
Breaths draw shorter
Smiles become distant
Push me away without hesitation
Ignore me without despair
You stand in the light with no regrets
I stand in the shadows as a memory you promised to forget
No more am I to you
Nor will I ever be